Marital infidelity: causes and remedy

Prepared by the psychological counsellor Randa Baraka
We are speaking about an important, extremely sensitive and very serious subject that concerns many people; indeed most of them are concerned to know its causes and origins and why those who do it go ahead with it despite their prior knowledge of its prohibition and of the various negative effects that follow from it.
We address this subject as a global phenomenon that occurs throughout the world, and as long as it is so, there is no harm or problem in discussing it in a sound scientific manner and setting out the causes and origins that lead to it. We all know that this phenomenon is as old as life itself and dates from the existence of the first human being, so it is hidden from no one, particularly if we know that it came in the noble Qur'an, God's purified book. But its causes may be unknown to many people, and this is what I shall address, even though these causes differ from one society to another. Yet there remain causes common to all the societies of the world, just as there are causes particular to some societies and not to others, as I have said.
Infidelity in truth is not confined to one person only, and we can never permit it for the man and not the woman, nor for the woman and not the man, particularly as it takes place with the consent and agreement of both parties. So we cannot say that the man is more unfaithful than the woman, or the opposite, and that for a very simple reason, namely that any infidelity in the world has a man and a woman together as its protagonists, for no infidelity will occur with a man and no woman, nor with a woman and no man, for if one of them were absent there would be no infidelity at all.

The definition of infidelity:
A negative social phenomenon present in various human societies, but differing from one society to another according to the moral systems and norms imposed. It arises from the existence of some defect in the natural relationship that binds spouses, because of certain negatives or the external influence of cultures and civilisations, leading to the shaking of the family system and its breakdown as a result of the conflict among its members.
There are some general causes that lead to infidelity, whether for the man or the woman, in the form of important points:
1- Urbanisation
2- Family breakdown
3- The absence of one of the spouses
4- Moving from one society to another
5- Migration
6- Living in informal areas
7- Marital inequality
8- Poverty and living income
9- Difference in age and educational level
10- The absence of trust between the spouses
11- The absence of religious restraint
And in detail as follows:
1- Intimate relationships habitual before marriage on the part of the man or the woman, and the comparisons that follow afterwards once married. Then the young man or young woman does not find what they aspired to and the qualities of the world in a single person, and if the young man is not content he will not find these qualities even with a thousand women, and likewise the woman, for each of us has virtues and faults that differ from everyone else's, and this is part of the Lord's mercy towards us.
2- Imitation and emulation in some people and the attempt to prove their manhood among men and their adventures with women. As long as my friend so-and-so or my female friend so-and-so each has relationships and attachments outside religion, sharia and social conventions, and as long as they want me to become like them and I too want that so as to be safe from ridicule and mockery and from being accused of backwardness and regression, then I must be as they want so that I can keep up with them and live with them and not lose them.
3- Poor upbringing on the part of the parents or the guardian in the home, the failure to enjoin good and forbid evil, the absence of religious restraint in childhood, and the poor social upbringing of sons and daughters alike.
4- Addiction to watching the various media, particularly the visual ones in an age of a staggering spread of satellite channels, and with them have spread films of love, passion and infatuation, as well as infidelity in all its images and forms. Many of these films meet an inclination in the soul of the man and the woman and may strike a sensitive chord or fill a lack in each of them regarding infidelity with their other partner, and then they wish for this thing in reality and strive hard to do it out of a desire to obtain what the film's hero or heroine or both obtained, without knowing that this happens only in fantasy and that this style is a cheap commercial style, and were they able to look at the real life of the hero or heroine they would realise that they live the most wretched and worst life on the face of the earth, but it is acting.
5- Both the woman and the man are always looking for perfection in everything, and this is not difficult but impossible, that you should find everything in one thing, for what one has the other lacks and the opposite is true. Therefore each of them searches and goes on searching for what satisfies them and will not find it, and as long as they will not find what they aspire to in one person, then there must be experimenting with another man and another woman, even if the means and the ways are illegitimate.
6- The terrible psychological emptiness, and more influential than it the harsh emotional emptiness, that surrounds the woman and the man from every side, which makes the two of them search for false happiness in the embrace of other, illusory people. The cause of that may naturally be the man and the woman, or causes deposited since long ago in the psyche of the two, caused by the old family, a father and a mother and others, and their depriving their son or daughter of compassion, love, tenderness and esteem, thereby making them set about satisfying that suppressed desire in the later years of their lives, but unfortunately by illegitimate ways, particularly if neither of them found that thing even after marrying.
7- The strange tales, the odd adventures and the myths adopted by the adventurers in this field, which draw everyone towards it, and hence the desire of each of them to go ahead and enter that world, even by way of experiment and of proving and satisfying a pressing and dominating desire.
8- The loss of trust on the part of the young man and the young woman in the mother and the father or in one of them, for they say things to them about virtue and do entirely the opposite, and therefore credibility and the example are lost and infidelity occurs by way of defiance, obstinacy, a disguised protest, an indirect objection and an explicit rejection of those disgraceful acts committed by the example, particularly the father.
9- The love of change alone in some people and nothing else, boredom with living with one person, and this in truth is considered a serious psychological illness whose causes are many, beginning in childhood and continuing perhaps into old age, and making the individual live a cheap life until they die, God forbid. These people are often found living in ease in every respect, but they go ahead with this because of psychological illness, so you find each of them doing this matter and going ahead with it under compulsion without knowing why they do it.
10- Continuous and constant mixing in some places between the man and the woman and their spending a not inconsiderable time with one another. The meeting may be formal at the beginning and that may go on for a long time, but a day comes when this one complains and that one complains of the circumstances of fate and the affairs of life, and then this one sympathises and that one sympathises and an exchange takes place of personal talk, opinion and advice, so they incline towards one another consciously and perhaps unconsciously on both sides, and feel that each of them has found what they lack in the other, or at least it seems so to them. And their circumstances may not allow them to come together legitimately for many reasons, some of them apparent and known and some otherwise, so the catastrophe occurs on the part of both parties in order to satisfy a desire in the psyche of each of them that, as I have said, they cannot satisfy by legitimate ways.
11- Unfortunately there are many people who always have the desire to obtain what is in others' hands, for they deal in their lives by the principle that everything forbidden is desired. Therefore these human beings always resort to this detested trait in answer to the call of their lustful instincts and their unrestrained psychological desires.
And there are other causes, called incidental or temporary motives, and they differ between the man and the woman
The temporary motives for a woman's infidelity:
1- Whim
2- Bad company
3- The husband's absence for long periods, whether because of travel or work
4- Bad treatment on the husband's part
5- Not respecting the wife or giving her her marital rights in intimacy
6- Revenge because of the man's infidelity towards her or his marrying another
7- The lack of the element of love, tenderness and affection
8- Issues connected with honour
As for the incidental causes and motives for infidelity in the man:
1- Most marital infidelities occur when the companionship becomes faded, cold and routine. From here the man begins searching for the romance that has disappeared from his life and looks for a woman who gives him what his wife could not give.
2- With some men, when the first child arrives the woman's attention to her husband decreases and she gives all her care and attention to her child, which leaves a psychological impression of need, and he tries to fill his need outside the framework of marriage.
3- The man by his nature wishes to be attractive and desired at all times, so when the wife turns her attention away from his wishes and is occupied with her children and her home, he turns his gaze to another woman in order to prove his attractiveness and that he is still desired, so he turns to his whims and tries to realise them by finding another.
4- He may have the desire to return to the "gang" and to bad company, since his memory goes back to the days of not bearing responsibility and to the sought-after romantic life.
5- When the husband faces troubles at work or notices that he is not appreciated by the management in terms of promotion, he may turn to another woman in order to prove to himself that he is wanted and that he is valued by others, that is, by someone other than his wife or his management at work.
6- If the wife no longer respects her husband and does not value him and does not sense his wishes and inclinations, whether intellectual, emotional or sexual.
7- If the woman makes her husband the object of ridicule or of continuous criticism, or mocks his behaviour or criticises him harshly, or does not respect his family, or takes her marital problems outside the framework of their life, then this factor drives him to look for another woman who respects him and values his life.
8- When the wife does not listen to her husband's troubles and problems, he turns to another to achieve his aim and lighten his burdens and to find someone who listens to him.
9- Depriving the husband of his wife's smile when she receives him and sees him off, or the wife's failure to create an atmosphere of cheerfulness while he is present.
10- The wife's lack of attention to her home and her care for her husband's personal affairs such as his sleeping times, his clothes and his appearance, etc.
11- The most important causes: the disappearance of mutual and intimate feelings, sexual incompatibility, or the sexual coldness common among most women.
What you must not do when your husband is unfaithful to you
This approach may be somewhat strange, since most of the sources that speak on the subject of marital infidelity mostly offer advice on what you should do in the event that you discover your husband's infidelity. In this brief piece we will advise you on what you must not do if you discover his infidelity.
You have just discovered that your husband is being unfaithful to you; the effects of astonishment still control you and you do not know exactly what your reaction will be or what should be done in such a strange and sudden circumstance in which you find yourself.
Before you begin imagining your reaction and what your decision will be, we focus on what you must not do at this stage, for most women act rashly and hastily as soon as they discover the husband's infidelity.
They feel feelings of fear mixed with overwhelming anger, in addition to their sense that their dignity has been wounded, not to mention the feeling of an overwhelming desire to avenge their squandered dignity, which drives them to do things they regret in the future. These reckless acts would wreck the course of the decision you will take in the future after you have calmed down and listened to the call of reason.
Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or to stay with him and try to put things right, your first reaction to learning of the marital infidelity may make the situation worse.
- Do not throw him out of the house and do not leave your house:
At least for the present. Instead of throwing him out of the house or going to your family's house, this move should be your last resort in the event that no other solution is reached.
You may decide later to leave the house, but at present this is the worst thing you can do. At this stage you must regain your balance and observe with an expert eye what is happening around you, and it is easier to do that while you are both still living in the same house. As soon as you throw him out of the house or leave the house you lose the element of observation and cannot know what he is doing while he is away from your watch.
As long as he remains before your eyes it becomes possible for you to gauge the depth of his other relationship and to shed light on the aspects of his infidelity better, and you are able to know the fine details of his infidelity and the hidden sides of the matter, for there is much you need to know about the situation before you take the intelligent decision about what should be done.
Continue observing your husband's daily activities and pay attention to his behaviour, the frequency of his contact with his mistress and other details of the chapters of his marital infidelity, without letting him sense anything. Then record all these small details in a special notebook for use in the future. Note also that since the husband is still with you in the same house, the chances of putting things right still exist.
- Do not tell everyone about his infidelity to you:
It is quite natural that you will want to tell someone you trust about your problem, or to gather friends and relatives to your side so that they support you in your problem against him, but be very careful in choosing the person you want to tell.
Do not be surprised if the close friend to whom you want to disclose your husband's infidelity turns out to be the mistress who shares the infidelity with him.
Be quite sure about the woman to whom you want to disclose and whom you trust to share your worry. As for continually bringing up her name while talking with your husband or asking about her often, that leads to putting her in the spotlight, which makes her the centre of the conversation instead of your problem being the subject of the discussion.
- Do not waste time trying to learn the details of their relationship:
Try to focus on solving your marital problems. Do not humiliate yourself by trying to contact her or seeking to confront her and asking her to leave your husband alone. Remember that she is not obliged to listen to you or to take orders from you, and harassing her will make you look ridiculous and expose you to humiliating situations, and may make your husband take her side and sympathise with her.
That is, you are bringing them closer together without realising it. Just forget her existence and try to focus on returning your marriage to the right road and repairing the relationship with your husband.
Will you end up destroying your marriage or saving it?
This matter depends on how you handle things when you first discover your husband's infidelity, for in the initial stages you may not have a clear idea of what should be done, but at least you now know what you must not do.