Women's estrangement

By Hanadi Al-Qadoumi

Asleep on my pillow, sad, how long I have wished for someone to share with me even the two moments of my painful sleep... moments that robbed me of my beautiful feelings. I admitted to myself that I am truly alone, living with it in a deadly solitude in the corners of a nook of my old house. Thus the days willed it and fate wrote for me solitude and then solitude... For a long time I have not felt a warmth that would make me forget my bitter estrangement, or even children who would make of my house a happy tree... I realised with my days that I am always alone, caressing it... strengthening it... being harsh with it, and despite this I am always alone...
My address from life!!

An old woman of seventy-five, slender of body, fair of skin, my eyes blue, weak of sight, my features frail and sad, tall of stature with two golden braids, my clothes simple and beautiful, mingled with the colours of Palestinian heritage. My origin is from the village of Deir Istiya, but I married and settled in the city of Nablus a long time ago. I lived among its people and so came to live with them, and became one of them.

And as usual alone, there was a knock at the door and I went towards it smiling, thinking my niece was behind the door. I opened the door and found a young woman of twenty, who greeted me in a loud voice, and I replied gladly, saying: and peace be upon you. I invited her in and she came in and asked me: do you have any damage from the last incursion into the city of Nablus? My colleagues and I are counting the damage in the old town. I said to her in a low voice: I have no damage, but... I fell silent... I sat beside the girl, who was looking at me in astonishment from one moment to the next. I asked her: what is the matter, girl, why do you look at me like that?! She answered me and said: it is as though I have known you for a long time. So I asked her to drink coffee with me, and the girl did not object; indeed she was glad of it.

And after a long conversation between us the girl asked me: why do you live alone, Hajja? Do you have no relatives?!
I looked at myself and did not answer, and silence fell over the features of my frail face, and I said: my husband died and I bore no children, but I have a brother and he has a wife and a daughter. I hesitated to answer, but I felt relieved because I was speaking about myself. I do not like to trouble anyone... I repeated it several times, and the girl said: do you prefer living with the walls of your lonely house to living with your brother and his wife?! I felt the bitterness of life and its harshness, and she kept looking at me, and I saw her face mingled at one moment with sorrow for me and at another with joy.

And the girl said as she sipped the coffee: will you accept that I visit you from time to time? I was very glad at her request and said to her: I wish you would, my daughter, allow me to call you my daughter. And the girl began visiting me from time to time, having breakfast with me and sometimes eating lunch with me, and sometimes spending her time with me.

I was happy to know her, for she took from me a portion of the solitude and we shared it with one another. I was always waiting for her; I grew used to her and she grew used to me. But after a short while, when I was getting up for the evening prayer, the electricity was cut off, and I rose quickly to take hold of the arm of the chair, but I could not stand and fell hard to the ground, and I knew nothing until I was in hospital, and at that moment I felt a severe fear. I looked at my body, tired and exhausted, and realised what had happened to me: my leg was broken, and so was the one who was my help in my solitude and my stillness... My fate has made me wretched, for I am a burden on myself, and now, to whom shall I belong?!

And after a short period of staying in hospital, I was moved to my brother's house, and I had no choice, so I was moved under compulsion, compelled in my sensations and feelings. There are many people like me whose fates have compelled them to live alone despite the presence of people around them, and other fates compel us to live with people who are far from us in feelings and sensations?!