Tantrums in children can be avoided
Prepared by the psychological counsellor Shireen Al-Bayari
Tantrums are among the ordinary behavioural problems in children and one of the basics of a child's development. If your child does not get angry and learn how to handle their anger at an early stage, they will find it extremely hard to express their feelings and to behave properly when they grow up. Tantrums are natural and most children have them between the ages of one and four. The signs of a tantrum differ from one child to another and range from whining, crying, screaming, kicking and hitting to rolling on the floor and holding the breath. Tantrums occur in boys and girls alike and even among children of calm temperament.
Young children want to do everything themselves; they want to dress and eat and do everything adults do. We must remember that young children are still trying to gain control of their small world, and when they cannot complete a task they feel tense, which may lead to a tantrum.
Tantrums occur as a result of high energy and an inability to use words to express the child's wishes and needs. What happens during a tantrum depends on the child's energy level and on the parents' patience and their skill in bringing up children.
Causes of anger. Among the basic causes of a tantrum:
The child seeking to attract others' attention
The child being hungry or over-tired
When the child's wishes are not met. Sometimes the causes of tantrums are a real indicator of problems such as:
Inconsistency in the parents' approach to disciplining the child.
Excessive criticism of the child by the parents or their siblings.
Parental neglect of the child, or overprotection.
Family instability.
Rivalry between siblings.
Difficulty in speaking.
The child being in pain and unable to express themselves.
Avoiding tantrums. To avoid tantrums, it is essential that parents work at developing the child's character so that they learn self-control and self-regard.
To develop such a character, experts advise parents to follow a moderate approach to upbringing, to keep to clear rules, and to observe the child's behaviour so as to encourage them when they behave well. By following such methods, parents will find themselves better able to care for, guide and discipline their children.
Advice for mothers to avoid tantrums:
Learn to be an example to your children. If you get angry over the smallest things, it will be hard for them to learn to control their feelings. Remember the poet's words:
Do not forbid a trait and then do the like of it; great is the shame on you if you do
Give plenty of praise and encouragement when the child behaves well; do not focus only on bad behaviour.
Avoid the places where tantrums happen, since many children become agitated in markets or crowded places.
Look for signs: most children give many signals when they feel upset, and simply spotting such signals is enough. Try to occupy the child's attention with other things.
Give your child the chance to have some control over the situation and offer them choices, for despite their young age children feel resentful when they sense they have no say or cannot take decisions.
Get to know your child's temperament. For example, if the tantrums are caused by the child being tired, try to get them to sleep during the day.
Handling tantrums. There is no doubt that your child's screaming and shouting is a cause of distress. You may feel angry and embarrassed in front of others.
Remember that while your child's tantrum rages, and regardless of the cause of the agitation, you need to keep your composure and your calm. Avoid shouting, scolding or hitting as a reaction to your child's tantrum. Do not make matters worse with your own tension, for children can sense when their parents become tense, and this may make their state more intense.
If you feel that the tantrums have grown more intense or that they are happening more often than usual, do not worry; consult your own doctor for reassurance.
Finally, remember that tantrums are usually no cause for concern and are generally a stage that disappears of its own accord. As children grow and mature they will learn self-control and their understanding of the world around them will increase, which reduces their anger and their sense of tension. When tension decreases and the child's ability to control their feelings increases, tantrums become less frequent and calm and tranquillity then prevail in the family atmosphere
Suggestions for handling tantrums
Keep calm
Learn how to handle anger with yourself and with others
When disciplining the child, be firm
Try to occupy the child's attention with something else
Learn to ignore tantrums. By ignoring a tantrum your child will realise that they will not get what they want by behaving this way.
Try to discover the cause of the tantrum. Tantrums are treated differently according to the cause.
Do not scold your child for expressing their feelings. Explain to them that it is natural to feel angry, and reach an agreement with them on finding a calmer way to express their anger.
If the tantrum happens in a public place, take your child aside to avoid the matter escalating or drawing more attention.
Encourage good behaviour; praise your child when the tantrum begins to ease. Rewarding good behaviour is an incentive for your child to stay calm.
If the cause is a refused request, do not go back on your position in order to ease the tantrum, or the child will learn that agitation and shouting are a way of getting what they want.
Things parents should remember:
One in every five children has tantrums twice a day.
Parents' exasperation at their child's behaviour is natural, but it makes matters worse.
Be decisive, but try to find a positive way of resolving the situation.
Try to plan so as to avoid tantrums and their causes.
