Silence and concealment, or speaking out?

By Iman Abu Saeed
Do I report the perpetrator who harassed my child?
How do I answer my small child's embarrassing questions?
Do I tell my mother that they harassed my small body?
It seems that, sadly, silence is the one doing the talking.
A mother recounts an incident that hurt her: "Our neighbour, the owner of the shop next door, sexually harassed my little three-year-old daughter, but I could not tell anyone."
Another mother says with complete pride: "When my little son asks me the big question, how did I come into this world, I answer him: shame on you. Be quiet!"
One teacher recounts: "A child who was harassed and raped did not dare to speak to his parents about it, because the harasser blackmailed and threatened him if he told anyone. I discovered it through his constant distraction in class and the decline in his academic level after he had been one of my top pupils."
In the first case we see that the mother preferred silence to reporting the perpetrator for fear of scandal, and this reflects the culture of silence among most families in Gazan society in particular and Arab society in general. Instead of reporting the perpetrator and taking the necessary steps so that his act is not repeated with other children, she preferred silence and concealment to speaking out. Silence is the beginning of problems and of the spread of ills in society: the harasser will find no one to deter him and may repeat his act with a second and a third child, and another person will repeat the same act because he knows someone else did it and found no one to deter him.
The second case is the other sad one: we see the mother and father too embarrassed to speak with their children about matters of sexual education. To whom, then, have they left this task? To bad companions, or to the media, from the internet to television and others, amid a great openness to the world? Are they waiting for the bewildered eyes to become tearful one day?
This is a call we address to parents: we want to support our society with morals, not with numbers. Your task, dear mother, is not only to give birth and increase the number of individuals in society; rather we want follow-up, upbringing and watchfulness. We want morals, not numbers.
In the third case, the child is afraid to be open with his parents about what may have happened to him, for fear of punishment or because he is not used to doing so. It is clear in this case that there is a flaw in the child's social upbringing and that there are many barriers in the relationship between parents and their children, and silence remains the one doing the talking.
A few words in your ear, dear mother, so that you may break your silence:
• There is no need for embarrassment or silence: it is your own children you will be speaking to.
• There is no need to become flustered or to make the embarrassing question your child may ask seem grave. Be calm and show your confidence in yourself and your ability to answer.
• Try to connect your answer and support it with verses from the Qur'an and sayings of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, for the child will believe that this is among the givens that are beyond dispute and need no great explanation, as long as it sets out what is permitted and what is forbidden.
• Simplify the answer in a smooth, uncomplicated way suited to your child's age level.
• Be reasonable in answering your child's questions. Do not overdo the answer or invent imaginary or fanciful things.
• Educate yourself on the subjects of sexual education and make use of the books specialising in it, for there are dozens of books that address these subjects, or use the internet, or turn to counsellors and social workers.
• Accustom your children to recounting the events of their day in an atmosphere of openness and frankness.
• Always listen to your child. There is no place for "I am busy now, I have no time", for the child may turn to the wrong person to listen to him.
• If your child falls victim to sexual harassment, God forbid, provide him with an atmosphere of reassurance and tenderness, listen to him, and do not hesitate to seek the help of a social worker if necessary. Finally, the perpetrator must be punished and the law must take its course according to the degree of the crime committed, so do not hesitate to inform the police.
• So raise the banner: no more silence from today!