The relationship of the parents of neurotic children with the psychologist

Prepared by the psychological counsellor Saed Al-Sarsawi. For counselling or psychological treatment to be effective, there must be some trust between the psychologist and the parents, for the parents, given the child's dependence on them, find themselves within the field of the therapeutic process without our influencing them by the usual psychological means, of course. Their relationships with the psychologists who work with their children are subject to particular difficulties, because they find in their resorting to treatment a proof of their responsibility for the emergence of neurosis in their child, which stirs feelings of guilt in the parents. And it is painful for them to find the details of their family life laid bare before a stranger. The psychoanalyst Melanie Klein affirms that the mother of the neurotic child will suffer jealousy towards the psychologist who has come to enjoy her child's trust. Therefore the family that cooperates consciously with the treatment will always disrupt it, and the mistakes it causes are due to its unconscious position and to the degree of its emotional ambivalence. For this reason we meet the most difficult obstacles with parents who are familiar with treatment, more than is the case with parents who have no knowledge of it. For this reason Melanie Klein considers that there is no benefit in giving parents theoretical explanations, even superficial ones, before treatment begins, because of the bad effect their own complexes produce. It is enough to give them some observations about the meaning and effects of treatment and to alert the parents that new difficulties may arise from time to time during treatment, while refraining from acquainting them with the details of the treatment: the child who gives you his trust has a right to confidentiality just as an adult does. The therapist also asks the parents to refrain from interfering, so that they do not put questions to their child about the treatment and do not support in various ways the resistances his words reflect. And if the therapist manages to establish good relations with the parents and if they cooperate, we can obtain useful information about the child's behaviour outside the sessions and about any change, from the appearance or disappearance of symptoms related to the treatment. In any case it is better for us to do without such a source of information: it may be useful, but it is not at all necessary if the price is new difficulties. Ask the parents not to let their child believe that educational measures come from the therapist, and to separate upbringing and treatment completely. As long as the parents' mistakes remain limited, the therapist must avoid interfering in the child's upbringing, because their mistakes in this field usually arise from their own complexes, and therefore there is no use in the advice offered to them, because it may increase their anxiety and their feeling of guilt and thus create more new obstacles. But easing the child's neurosis or curing it has a positive effect on the parents and eases their feeling of guilt and anxiety, so that they become more receptive to the educational advice the therapist offers. From another angle we find little praise from parents for the treatment even if it has been successful, and this is something that may surprise and pain the beginner therapist. Of course you may find understanding parents, but the majority forget with great ease the symptoms that drove them to send their child for treatment and may belittle the progress the therapist achieves. The therapist must not forget here the parents' inability to form an idea of the results. What testifies to the treatment's success and effectiveness is the removal of the obstacles that hinder the child's life, and we recognise, unlike the parents, that treating children is preventive treatment for the same obstacles in adults. Parents consider the serious symptoms their child shows a source of annoyance for them, but they do not recognise their real importance because these symptoms do not cause the same disruption in the child's daily life as is the case in adult neurosis. Nevertheless we may give up the parents' correct understanding without regret if we remember that our work aims at securing the child's wellbeing and not at obtaining gratitude from a mother or father. References: • Melanie Klein, The Psychoanalysis of Children, translated by Abdel Ghani Al-Didi, Dar Al-Fikr Al-Lubnani, 1994. • Christine Nassar, The Arab Family's Position on the Child's Disorder, Jrouss Press, Lebanon, 1993.